Some Thoughts on Self Love

Do you love yourself? Do you honestly, really, truly, wholeheartedly love yourself?

I was asked this question along with about eighty others in a church meeting in Queens, New York City about a year ago. I don't know if it had to do with me translating this talk from Chinese to English for the tourist sitting next to me, but the question: "Do you really love yourself?" has stuck with me since that time.

Do you love yourself? Do you love yourself enough to do the things that are best for yourself - even if it may cause temporary pain, sacrifice, and confusion? Do you love yourself enough to keep the commandments of God at all costs? Do you love yourself enough to get enough sleep, to eat healthily, and laugh readily? Do you love yourself enough to never put others down? Do you love yourself enough to never put yourself down?

Learning to love yourself is a process - an uncomfortable one.

I've found you must take a step back (or sometimes three or four steps back) and honestly assess your life. Where are you right now? Where do you want to be? What is it going to take to get there? Am I willing to sacrifice for it?

I believe some of the times I have felt most loved by God are when I have been chastised by Him. He shows me my shortcomings and my weaknesses in full color, but also provides me a way to overcome and improve. At those times I know with 100% surety that God loves me.

The same thing has applied throughout my life with my close friends and family. When a friend or family member corrects me, it shows me that they truly care about me and my decisions. This same principle can be applied to ourselves. Do I love myself enough to push myself? Do I love myself enough to be vulnerable, to be scared and uncertain, and to make decisions based on not what I want but what I need? Do I love myself enough to laugh at my own jokes, put others first, and express love for others freely?

Loving yourself results in loving others, too. It's a natural consequence of pure love - you can't help but love the person in front of you as much as you love yourself.

I don't believe this process comes from standing in front of a mirror and saying, "I am beautiful I am smart I am important" x amount of times for x amount of days. I believe self love is beyond self image and self esteem. I believe self love is not so much learning to accept your body type or personality quirks as it is more about learning to accept your true identity as a daughter of an Almighty Being and what that actually means. 

As uncomfortable as it is - as uncomfortable as it has been - I am so grateful for my ups and downs when it has come to my self-image and self-worth and self-assessment. I believe that we are all given crosses to bear, and "loving myself" seems to be a cross I've had to learn to hold up high. But as we reach beyond ourselves and beyond our problems and insecurities and frustrations and setbacks and beyond me me me me... we find ourselves. I found myself in New York. I found myself in Him who created me. And as I grow to love myself, I love Him more completely.

A little bit overdue... (or a lot bit)

MY MISSION CALL CAME (a few months ago... February 24th). Turns out it got lost in the mail! I ended up calling the mission office to have them reprint it, and my Stake Mission Prep leader was able to pick it up for me so I could get it the same day! The hour and a half drive to my home was crazy. I felt every emotion - one minute I was crying, the other I was laughing, and then periodically I felt like I was going to throw up.

The actual opening of my call was such a surreal experience. Serving a mission has been something that I have wanted to do from the time I was a little girl, and it was as if all my hopes, wishes, and dreams were sealed in that big white envelope addressed to  "Sister Young" (!!!!) I was surprised at how calm I felt overall. But I have honestly never felt so vulnerable in my life. Where I was going to be living and serving for the next year and a half was written on that letter and I was prepared and willing to go where I was needed.

I opened it up and..... you can see for yourself :)

What a special, special experience! My heart is full, and I am so excited to go and do.

Waiting

I'm waiting for my mission call.

Waiting is the key word here. I was expecting it to come by Friday, and unfortunately, it didn't. Having wanted to serve an LDS Mission nearly my entire life, I anticipated this wait of my mission call to feel differently. I expected a rush of excitement, eagerness, nervousness, pacing, wondering, nail-biting and the likes. And truthfully, it has been different from what I thought it would be. It has been different in comparison to how my friends have acted while waiting for their mission calls. I feel fine. When it comes it comes -- where I go I'll go.

Though I feel this way now, when I left my stake president's office for the final interview a few weeks ago I was left in a state of confusion and self-doubt. I called my parents with tears and worries.

Am I ready to serve the Lord? Am I able? Am I worthy to be a witness of God and to testify to anyone who will listen that Jesus is the Christ?

The answer is no. Will I ever be ready? Able? Worthy? No. At least not alone. Thankfully for me, and for everyone else in the world, there are two names on the missionary name tag.

Like I mentioned before, I had expected my call to come yesterday. I drove down from college and had invited friends and family over for the big reveal. My empty mailbox seemed to mock me as I checked it periodically throughout the day. After feeling sorry for myself for a little bit, I took a trip to the temple. I often forget how lucky I am to live in a place where there are six temples within thirty minutes away from me.

Oh, what a wonderful place the temple is! And honestly, it was exactly where I needed to be right then. I opened up the Book of Mormon in the waiting room and was moved by how absolutely beautiful and true the Gospel is. I was reminded of why I am going to serve a mission - to bring others to know of this great truth! To get doors slammed in my face, to be ignored, and to see the light in people's eyes when the finally understand what has been missing from their lives.

I know that this Church is true. I know that Jesus is the Christ and was sent to earth to atone for the sins of the world so that we might be able to live with Him and God the Father again. I know the Book of Mormon to be a just and true book. I know that Christ visited the Americas and that this is important because we know He loves and cares for all of His children. I know the Lord takes care of His sheep. I know that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon, and that our church is led today by modern revelation from a true prophet and his apostles. I know that we have the fullness of the True Gospel and are the only true church on this earth! Oh, what a blessing it is to have that knowledge. What a blessing it is that we have a Father in Heaven who loves us eternally.Who loves you eternally. Who loves me eternally.

Am I readyableworthy to serve the Lord? No, of course not. But I know that He will mercifully forgive my shortcomings. And through Him my weaknesses will be made strong. And that this will be worth the wait.

A Conversation with my Twelve Year Old Brother

"You know what's strange?"

"What?"

"I realized lately that the whole world is built on trust. That we trust people will pay us back, or that cars on the street won't swerve into our lane and kill us. That we trust people to keep their word, and keep their promises. The whole system of our world is very fragile and it kind of scares me.

It's what I think about when I have nothing else to think about."

Just something i Wrote

A wet tongue wets dry lips.
Dry hands race the others' cuticles.
Small God-given lines circle around the knuckles - one two three four five - tightly until they become white. Whites of eyes turn towards your dry hands and newly wet lips -
analyzing and underestimating and wondering.
One pair of eyes - one two - clench together in disgust and repulsion, followed by
several damp tongues pointed your way.
Your dry white skin - one - turns red red red turns hot hot hot.
Socks stick to your feet and knees stick to
each other, as if there isn't a way to face this alone.
Alone - one. Your heart - one - pounds so loudly that
 your ears - one two - can't comprehend what the
new white eyes and dry lips are saying.

Everything Beneath by Edye P

“we have yet to break the surface”

I whispered

after hours of scratching the stars away

from the sky with my fingertips

to cusp them inside of my hands

and feel their light.

I had every intention of stripping

the darkness from the night –

of pulling the constellations away

from their imprints within the atmosphere

to reveal Him

because years ago,

Father had told me that

“God is in everything”

and from then on,

I chose to move my body gently and eat slowly,

to swallow Eucharist

in the smallest of pieces

and nibble timidly around

the cores of peaches in the case that

He was within its pit, and

whenever I close my lips –

I can feel Him extend His legs,

pinned in all directions beneath my tongue,

shaping my words from biblical psalm,

pulling sin in strands of prayer

from the lining of my throat …

I can always feel him,

not heavy of a burden

but wise,

spread evenly about my skin,

in everything I see and touch …

holding Him, the stars, my pulse,

parts of Him,

inside my hand

realizing that no battle had ever

been fought and won alone.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I rediscovered this poem the other day that I found in 2010. It is absolutely beautiful and I read it in awe nearly every time.

Pontoum Crazy

My new favorite kind of poem. The repetition makes nearly anything beautiful and with deeper meaning. So fun to write. I love.

**Disclaimer. These poems aren't necessarily about me. Just people's stories I've heard, or books I've read, stuff like that. Don't worry yourself too much. :)

At Best

Inside your new black car
Our hands caught onto each other
Stilled breath and soft music
Best friends at best

Our hands caught onto each other
We laughed and cried and sang
Best friends at best
But I loved you more than that

We laughed and cried and sang
Breathing in the subtle smell of cigarettes
But I loved you more than that
Wondering what more could be

Breathing in the subtle smell of cigarettes
Inside your new black car
Wondering what more could be
Best friends at best.


Speak

Crimped hair and glue-on nails
A girl, not yet thirteen
holding onto her first red plastic cup
Taking only a few sips

A girl, not yet fifteen
Dancing freely, twirling freely
Taking only a few sips
"So this is what growing up feels like."

Dancing freely, twirling freely
He led her back behind the barn
"So this is what growing up feels like."
Stripping away her twelve year old innocence

He led her back behind the barn
Crimped hair and glue-on nails
Stripping away her fourteen year old innocence
Holding onto her first red plastic cup

Fluff.

Wouldn't it be lovely if everyone could speak exactly what they thought? No shame, no fluff, but instead simple straightforward statements and answers that nobody would interpret to mean something different than what it actually meant. Words would be parallel to thoughts.

I have a problem with overanalyzing what people say. They say they "had a good day" and suddenly they had a good day because they weren't with me, because they hate me, because they had a horrible day and don't want me to know, maybe they're laying in their death bed right at this moment, or maybe they had a GREAT day and don't want to freak me out too much, or their day was made better because I asked them about it. I wouldn't ever know because they're hidden by their masks of "good days" and "I'm fine"s.

This school year I made it a goal to say what I thought and to be completely honest. I think oftentimes people confuse being honest and blunt with being mean. If someone asks what I think, I will tell them, and I won't add fluff or sentences to be interpreted. How lovely would it be to hide nothing at all. How lovely would it be if when I asked someone how they felt, they would tell me the whole truth. Not part of it, nor only the parts I want to hear. Sincerity is hard to come by but when a person comes into my life with a genuinely honest and sincere personality I will fight to keep them close. It's those rare human beings that make this life worth analyzing.

What a lovely thought.

Sr Yr

How strange it is to have people you've seen come up to meet you.
I remember being a little sophomore looking up to the big bad seniors with large round adoring eyes. Even last year, I aspired to be just that one year older - one year cooler. They rode around on their high horses and talked of far away lands of college and the desire to finally cross the Sea of Growing Up. I wanted to be that senior, I wanted to be the person everybody knew. I wanted to taste a little bit of what the real world could be like.

Um, okay... no.

Senior year is awesome so far, but we're only a week in. Suddenly I am that "big bad senior" who most  people know by name because of my position as a Student Body Officer. It is so weird, and honestly a lot of pressure. I feel no where near "cool", and I want nothing to do with college and life. Just planning on having fun for now... and smiling a lot I guess.

So that's that. :)

What I Am

For those who know me well, they know I am an avid list maker. Lists calm me down, I don't really know how to describe it. OCD, probably. I make lists about everything. Dislikes, likes, sights I'd like to see from heaven, songs that are stuck in my head, what is bothering me, what I am grateful for... etc. My mind is such a jumbled mess half of the time that writing lists is the only way for me to see my thoughts into words. It's hard for me to think clearly without going off of a bulleted list, or points.

So, anyway, yeah. I write lists. I have a whole list book, actually.

Just yesterday in class I was writing a list about myself. This is unusual, actually. I typically write lists about the things surrounding me. But this past week or so I've been going through an "identity crisis", if you will (when am I not? haha). I've been wondering about the future, and I've been wondering if I really fit in at all. Everyone goes through this, I think. It's hard knowing your worth in such a big world sometimes.

I started listing bulleted points of what I thought I was. I listed characteristics, adjectives, titles, stereotypes. I titled it "What I Am".

Rereading the list, I realized that none of it was what I am, but rather what I aspire and have the potential to be. My view of myself is skewed. How I portray myself may come off as different as to how I feel and though I may not consciously realize it - I feel trapped and extremely self conscious at times. This may be reason for my recent anxiety.

The other day I saw in plain sight the masks that some people wear, and it scares me to think that I potentially have fallen into that.

When "what I am" matches up to "what I think I am", I'll finally be able to stop worrying so much. Too often I am concerned about what others think of me, but today I realized that it doesn't matter. So today is the day I am changing.
I will be organized, I will be thoughtful, I will be patient, I will be honest, I will be happy.
I am organized, I am thoughtful, I am patient, I am honest, I am happy.

What I am is what I have the potential to become, and what I am can be determined by what I make of my future.

Caught

A child picks a wispy ripe dandelion. With eyes closed tightly, the child whispers a wish and blows with all her might, and watches her innocent desires fly in the wind and blow away.

A girl walks into a room. She is met with a sea of faces. Some with pleasant crinkly eyes and warm smiles. Others with stone-set expressions and cold eyes. She glides quickly and softly through the room; searching. Searching for what she does not know, and she does not find it. She, in fact, is searching for something to search for.

An old woman hobbles across the street. She carries a cane, but does not use it. Her eyeglasses slide to the bridge of her nose, the bag of books on her shoulder slips and her knees buckle. The wishes, the searching, the dreams of the past catch her now, and serve as her support.

It's a feeling of confusion, a feeling of sorrow, a feeling of gladness.

It's little experiences each day that add to who we are, that create who we are.

A kind thought was never a coincidence. A kind action was never anything short from a miracle.

what a year - look back on 2012

okay, so this is a little bit overdue.
i'm thinking back to january of last year.. and holy cow. So much has changed, and even better - so much has stayed consistent.
throughout my 16 years of life, one of my greatest struggles it to keep things in my life consistent and under control. Whether it be in friendships, feelings, or situations. I have handled this sense of control in many ways - both unhealthily and healthily. This past year I have found out more of who I am, and more importantly, who I have the potential to be.

highlights of 2012

I turned sixteen on March 22nd. My wonderful friend (Kelsi) threw a surprise birthday party for me. Let me tell you, it was a SURPRISE. She kidnapped me and took me downtown to the planetarium and to dinner with a few close friends. Afterwords, we went back to her house to "watch a movie". Somehow I didn't even suspect anything when I saw a cake in her kitchen with my name on it? I literally screamed and collapsed when I saw all of the people cooped up in her basement.

I went on my first date last year! It was the best first date I could have asked for... really. The day after my sixteenth birthday happened to be prom, and I was lucky enough to go with James - he's not only asian, but a CUTE asian and one of my best friends! We went go karting and dressed up pretty for a japanese dinner. Looking back on that day just makes me smile.

This summer I had the opprotunity to go to EFY - Especially For Youth - in Salt Lake City with my best friend. We met so many people there, and we are still in touch with all of them. I love the people and leaders I met there, and will truly remember EFY as one of the best weeks of my life.

Also in the summer, I was able to work at Plato's Closet about 30 hours a week. I learned time management and how to deal with difficult situations. I worked away my summer, but it definitely pulled off and I put a big chunk of my money into my "SAVE FOR ECUADOR" fund.

Speaking of Ecuador... this year I made the decision to do a humanitarian trip to Ecuador! We will be building orphanages and caring for the disabled kids there. That will be Summer 2013, this summer, and I am still working to save for it. I truly cannot wait.

Facepainting has become a pretty big part of my life this past year! My neighbor happpens to be a professional face painter, and she has taught me techniques and tricks that have really enhanced my ability to paint quickly and with better control of the brush. I painted this year for school events, at Gardner Village, church events, and community fairs. It's a fun way to earn some extra money, and I absolutely love the opprotunity to expand my creativity.

This past year I became DECA secretary! The other DECA officers and I work so well together and we were able to pull off the Riverton Invitational Premiere - a DECA competition throughout the region that was held at Riverton High School. It's been so fun to be a part of the biggest club in the school! It really tunes into the business side of me and I love it.

I recieved a new calling in my church! I got called to be a part of Special Needs Mutual. It's a program where a few teens from each stake are partnered with a member who has special needs - and together we learn about the gospel and it's teachings. My special needs Friend, as we call them, is named Tiffany. She has changed my life. You go into the program thinking that you will benefit their life and they will learn so much from you... when it is really the other wasy around. Tiffany is beautiful and has taught be more about love, kindness, patience than any other person I know. She teaches by example. She teaches me by the way she lives. She lives 100% for other people, and is always concerned about my well being. I am so blessed to have met her this passed year, and I am so blssed to be a part of that program.

Of course, every year there are plenty of new people to meet. This year I have made so many new friends and I am thankful for all of them! I actually recieved the 'Social Award' for first quarter, and it is so fun to meet and learn people's stories.

I joined Peer Leadership Team! Oh my goodness this has been one of the things I am so grateful for this year. Through PLT, I am so involved in the school and the community. I volunteer at Kauri Sue Hamilton - a school for kids with mental and physical disabilities - once a week, and I have found a new adoration for these kids and causes to help them. PLT also got me really involved in Silver Rush, which I will forever look back on with fond memories.

Silver Rush 2012 was one I will never forget. I took nearly the whole month of December off, and spent it knocking on doors in the freezing cold doing "odd jobs" for donations. The charity our student body officers chose this year was the Haley Bell Blessed Chair Foundation. This charity provided wheel chairs for families in the area who were unable to afford them. This really touched home with me because of members in my family who are in wheelchairs. To provide something that would benefit the rest of their life is something that our whole school worked to achieve. At the end of the three weeks, we raised over $125,000 for this charity. When the "Banner of Love" rose with the number, the whole student body collapsed and cried. The air was thick with love and exhaustion and it was one of the best feelings ever. I wish I could relive that moment again!

Wow, you never truly know how blessed you are until you take a thorough look at your life! There is so much more I could have put into this list of highlights... but I know y'all don't care that much about my life. I'm never sure who reads this and who doesn't, but whoever you are - you are pretty great!

Here's to a great 2013, eh?

A Modest Proposal

People always complain about the smell of cigarette smoke. Whether the smell be in public parks, inside homes, inside cars, or the corner of the girl’s bathroom at school. It is only natural for the average citizen to be repulsed by the distinct smell, but as the anonymous saying goes, “Don’t hate what you don’t understand.” There is only one solution to curing the stench of cigarettes – and it does not include soap, a nicotine patch, or a ‘STOP SMOKING NOW’ kit. The answer is simple, really. In order for everyone not to notice the smell anymore, we must all smell like it ourselves. That’s right, folks. I propose that if we all smoked a pack of cigarettes a day there would be no more complaints, no more crinkled noses in disgust, and no more gasping for air in a smoker’s car.

If everyone took up smoking cigarettes, our economy would blossom. If more money is being put into the system for a pack of Camel or Winston, then cigarette companies will have more money to expand their businesses and hire more employees. Business managers in general would also be thankful for this change in culture, as they wouldn’t have to worry about offending people with “No Smoking” signs plastered everywhere in sight.

Firefighters also love this proposal. It gives them something to do! The more fires there are, the higher their wages go up. And naturally, when one’s house is filled with potential fire hazards, there will be a far greater chance that firefighters will be needed – thus creating even more jobs.

Used car sales would go up. Just this past year, my family was looking for a new [used] car. The van my dad picked out was perfect – the back-up screen, sun roof, automatic door – but there was just one stinky problem. From the moment you hopped in, the smell of cigarettes nearly knocked you off of the soft leather seats. The car salesman wiped the sweat off of his nervous brow and kept offering lower and lower prices for this car until my dad couldn’t pass the offer up. With extensive cleaning, mind you, the smell is nearly non-existent now. Take a moment to imagine that my dad – and the rest of my family – had been chain smokers. That car would have sold in a heartbeat! No negotiation required.

Smokers will feel at home, and children of smokers will feel much appreciation towards this proposal. No longer will they feel as social outcasts in their classrooms. No more will their cheeks flush when asked why they smell so bad. Everyone will smell like everyone, and everyone will grow to love the scent of tobacco. It’s proven that tobacco tends to relax people, right? Suicide rates will go down, and happiness rates will go up. And what if that relaxed feeling goes away after the cigarette is gone, you may ask? The answer to that is simple, too. Just pop another one of those suckers in.

With the economy in the financial crisis that it is now, there is no better solution to help get it moving again than making it required that every American citizen smoke at least a pack of cigarettes a day. Complaints would decrease, jobs would increase, and everyone will be happy.

What Freaks Me Out

1. Beavers - they're mean, and they can bite through trees.

2. The fact that there could be a technical malfunction in stop lights. What if they all went green at the same time and all the cars ran into each other?

3. When people don't put their blinker on. Even if they're way up the road, it just gives me anxiety.

4. Not knowing everything about everyone's lives.
Some would call me a control freak.
I didn't realize I was until this afternoon, when I found out I didn't know every possible thing that was going on in a friend's life. Suddenly I was overcome with anxiety - shaking, tears, the whole shabang. It occurred to me that just a few moments earlier I was fine, happy even. What had changed? My state of not knowing had changed, and it was (and still is) driving me crazy.
If I could see everything from a bird's eye view, I would be completely content. I'd rather know everything, good and bad, than know only a part. So this explains why I'm always meddling in someone's business (usually on accident, mind you).

5. Seeing people wear "Uggs" boots with short shorts.

6. Knowing something is wrong with a dear friend, and not being able to help. Feeling helpless? Yeah, that freaks me out a ton.

7. When I introduce myself to someone new, and they say "Oh, I've heard people talk about you before!"

9. People who hit their kids in public places - namely, at my work. I can't do anything about it, and I can't help but wonder if it's this bad where everyone can see... how bad is it at home?

10. Small, yappy dogs that look like rats.

11. the fact i skipped #8

last night.

Sometimes you just get hit with sudden waves of sadness and think yourself up into a tear-filled frenzy and you have no idea what is making you sad or how to stop it. That is called seasonal depression, my friends. The snow has come early. Forgive me for any pitiful outbursts, sad thoughts, or negative remarks. I just hope this year isn't as bad as last year.

a word or two on Hate

I have found within the last few weeks that it is, in fact, possible to govern your entire life and existence around a single emotion.
What good does it do, really, to have that emotion be hate?
Hate can consume, envelope, destroy, control you. Suddenly friends become enemies, queens become sorceresses, and you can't count on anyone, especially yourself.

When I was in elementary school, there was a big problem with bullying in the 6th grade. Girls would gossip, glare, and shoot shards of glass at each others' egos in the form of words. The teachers were all against the students, the students were all against each other, and it was not unlikely to overhear even your veryveryvery best friend listing your faults. The problem of these pre-teen girls escalated until I, alone, was called in to talk to my teachers after school with my parents to figure out how to solve the problem.
I went into that little meeting with an attitude, and left with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I didn't realize it then, but I had let myself be governed by hate. I was obsessed with who-hated-who, why who-hated-who, and what who-hated-who's boyfriend said about her the other day. Because I was completely focused on making their life miserable, I didn't realize that I, in turn, was making my own life miserable. I was filled to the brim with hate and I had never been unhappier.
In high school, the drama is comparatively low - at least with the people I am surrounded by. I have written about my "bubble situation" before, and I have come to see it as a blessing. Obliviousness is bliss. If I don't see a problem, I won't focus on a problem, and instead of being enveloped by only hate I have become enveloped with love and happiness and empathy and everything good.

"Kill them with kindness" is a cliche that actually works (for the most part), and even though I was a little late to see it, hating anybody didn't ever do any good.
As humans, it is important to realize that we all strive for the feeling of acceptance, for the feeling of being loved, and to be able to be comfortable in the skin we've been given.
To live your life ruled by a single emotion is undoubtedly unhealthy - no matter the emotion, but especially if that emotion happens to be hate.

When you hate others, you always end up hating yourself in the process. And you can't hide from yourself. To hate simply isn't worth it.

junior

I think too much of myself sometimes.
I've been stretched too thin.
Biggest lesson I've learned this year: you just can't do everything.
I'm so lucky to have the family I have. I've been thinking a lot lately about coincidences. The more I think about them, the less I believe in them.There are some things that simply cannot be explained just my 'the whim of things'. By being stretched too thin, I have realized that I truly cannot do it by myself.

It was two days ago that I had reached my breaking point. I was supposed to be face painting to earn money for my humanitarian trip to Ecuador, but I had too much homework and too much obligations in church and for Peer Leadership Team and for DECA and my school's last football game was that night. I was the definition of overwhelmed. Instead of dealing with it all, I just went home and cried. Pathetic, right? My mom finally came home and gave me a hug and asked me what the heck I was doing. My dad finally came home and gave me a hug and laughed and offered to give me a blessing. I have never gone from such extremities in emotion before. One minute I was shaking and tired and stressed, and the next I was calm and ready to take on whatever needed to be done. I am so thankful for my dad, the gospel, and the fact that I was able to face paint, eat dinner, do two math assignments, and write a four-page paper in the space of 3 hours. For with God, nothing is impossible.

Braeden

About two weeks ago, a sophomore boy at my school committed suicide. It really took its toll on me and the other students in my school. I attended his funeral, and cried my way through it. I'm not sure why I wanted to  be there so badly - perhaps to make up for my lack of emotion at my teacher's funeral in August? I'm not sure, but I tried to find a way then to untangle my troubled heart and thoughts.

Still at the service, still sitting in the pew with my best friend's family - I found a piece of paper and a pen and began writing:

His death? It's actually my fault. I recognize Braeden from this picture - and he is just a face I saw at school.  How is it that I can pass so many people without giving them a second thought? If I had slowed my pace, and maybe took the time to get to know that face I wouldn't be sitting in a funeral that wasn't supposed to happen. How many other Braedens are out there? In my classes? In my ward? In my home? I have become so selfish and have grown accustomed to only worrying about myself. I cry to myself over boys, while someone else - someone close to me- might be crying themselves to sleep over the thought of  ending their life. It's amazing how the focus can change within the blink of an eye- the pull of a trigger. And it has to take an innocent life to do that? These thing are preventable, and it makes me sick to when people are suddenly asking, "Who was this kid?" - especially when I'm the one with those words on my lips. Should it really take a death to make me want to do more for others? Should it take a death for me to start paying attention to the quiet kids in class? Should it take a death to realize that we all truly belong to each other?

The only way to prevent a suicide isn't by putting uplifting posters on the walls at school... it's by the choices that are essential to make now to love, respect, and uplift those nameless faces around us. You just never know.

Random Act of Kindness

This week started off as just any other week. I went to school, went to work, ate, and slept. My life had become a routine of dull, meaningless and selfish actions. This week we were given the assignment to do a “Random Act of Kindness”. The idea was exciting! What could I possibly do that would benefit someone’s life? The answer ended up being not something I had to search for, but the opportunity landed right in my hands… literally.

           
It was a typical Wednesday afternoon. The sun was shining, the cows were mooing, and Thanksgiving Point had never seemed so spectacular. I was there with a friend for dinner, and we spent the evening picking grapes, attending weddings, watching wildlife, visiting art galleries, and exploring gardens. We happened upon a small clearing adorned in oddly shaped balloons and plastic electric guitars. It was so out-of-the-ordinary that we had to ask what these people were setting up for. A woman with a beautiful smile and contagious personality explained to us that they were setting up a surprise birthday party for “Katie” – a spunky fourteen-year-old girl. This woman seemed to carry the typical party-planning stress that usually comes with events such as these. It seemed to me the perfect opportunity to exercise a Random Act of Kindness. As we spoke longer to this lady, she expressed to us the worries she had on actually having the birthday girl arrive. She was in a nearby theater, and she needed a way to get her beloved Katie to this surprise birthday party. This seemed like a job for my friend and I! While she was minding her own business in the movie theater – perhaps enjoying the new classic, Spiderman – my friend and I moved in for the dirty work.

           
With all said and done, the actual kidnapping was a struggle. She writhed and screamed as we tried repeatedly to capture her in a blanket. Looking back, I realize how terrified she must have been. Luckily we were able to get her out of the theater and back to her party, where she enjoyed the rest of the night playing Guitar Hero and participating in her own Kissing Booth. The mother thanked us immensely, and told us that this birthday party would be one that she would never forget. I believed her. Though I never met the birthday girl, being kidnapped in a dark theater is not something that just slips your mind.

             
So, as odd as it may seem, my Random Act of Kindness this week was helping a distraught mother kidnap her child for her fourteenth birthday party. It was an experience neither Katie or my friend and I will ever forget. This one is going down in the books, folks.

I Want a Husband

I figured I'd just put all of my AP language writing assignments on here since I don't really write apart from school... So here ya go. Call me a hopeless romantic.

I Want a Husband.

Girls always talk about finding that Mr. Right. For some it’s a man with a beard, motorcycle, and perhaps a few dead deer hanging up in the house. Classic redneck. Girls talk about marrying the “babes”, with sun-kissed skin and European accents. Some girls want jocks, some cowboys, and some surfers. Me? I want to marry my best friend – nothing more, nothing less.

I want a husband who works to provide for a possible family, and me but will expect me to hold up my end of the bargain. I want a husband who is kind and considerate in all areas of life, but hold strong to his own opinion. I want a husband who will take me on adventures and surprise me with the little things. I want a husband who has many interests, and doesn't consider a marriage or a family as a hindrance to fulfilling his dreams. I want a husband who gets excited to see me and laughs when I have mood swings and makes me soup when I’m sick. I want a husband who lets me take care of him and tells me about his problems and insights. I want a husband who I know as well as myself. I want a husband who has clear priorities and sets goals on a constant basis. I want a husband who treats me as well as my dad treats my mom.

I want a husband who wants his wife to be someone like me. I want a husband who tells me he loves me and means everything he says. I want a husband who is my best friend, and who makes me forget about any rednecks or babes or jocks or cowboys of seasons past. I want a husband who makes me consider myself the luckiest girl in the world.