What I Am

For those who know me well, they know I am an avid list maker. Lists calm me down, I don't really know how to describe it. OCD, probably. I make lists about everything. Dislikes, likes, sights I'd like to see from heaven, songs that are stuck in my head, what is bothering me, what I am grateful for... etc. My mind is such a jumbled mess half of the time that writing lists is the only way for me to see my thoughts into words. It's hard for me to think clearly without going off of a bulleted list, or points.

So, anyway, yeah. I write lists. I have a whole list book, actually.

Just yesterday in class I was writing a list about myself. This is unusual, actually. I typically write lists about the things surrounding me. But this past week or so I've been going through an "identity crisis", if you will (when am I not? haha). I've been wondering about the future, and I've been wondering if I really fit in at all. Everyone goes through this, I think. It's hard knowing your worth in such a big world sometimes.

I started listing bulleted points of what I thought I was. I listed characteristics, adjectives, titles, stereotypes. I titled it "What I Am".

Rereading the list, I realized that none of it was what I am, but rather what I aspire and have the potential to be. My view of myself is skewed. How I portray myself may come off as different as to how I feel and though I may not consciously realize it - I feel trapped and extremely self conscious at times. This may be reason for my recent anxiety.

The other day I saw in plain sight the masks that some people wear, and it scares me to think that I potentially have fallen into that.

When "what I am" matches up to "what I think I am", I'll finally be able to stop worrying so much. Too often I am concerned about what others think of me, but today I realized that it doesn't matter. So today is the day I am changing.
I will be organized, I will be thoughtful, I will be patient, I will be honest, I will be happy.
I am organized, I am thoughtful, I am patient, I am honest, I am happy.

What I am is what I have the potential to become, and what I am can be determined by what I make of my future.

Caught

A child picks a wispy ripe dandelion. With eyes closed tightly, the child whispers a wish and blows with all her might, and watches her innocent desires fly in the wind and blow away.

A girl walks into a room. She is met with a sea of faces. Some with pleasant crinkly eyes and warm smiles. Others with stone-set expressions and cold eyes. She glides quickly and softly through the room; searching. Searching for what she does not know, and she does not find it. She, in fact, is searching for something to search for.

An old woman hobbles across the street. She carries a cane, but does not use it. Her eyeglasses slide to the bridge of her nose, the bag of books on her shoulder slips and her knees buckle. The wishes, the searching, the dreams of the past catch her now, and serve as her support.

It's a feeling of confusion, a feeling of sorrow, a feeling of gladness.

It's little experiences each day that add to who we are, that create who we are.

A kind thought was never a coincidence. A kind action was never anything short from a miracle.