People always complain about the smell of cigarette smoke. Whether the smell be in public parks, inside homes, inside cars, or the corner of the girl’s bathroom at school. It is only natural for the average citizen to be repulsed by the distinct smell, but as the anonymous saying goes, “Don’t hate what you don’t understand.” There is only one solution to curing the stench of cigarettes – and it does not include soap, a nicotine patch, or a ‘STOP SMOKING NOW’ kit. The answer is simple, really. In order for everyone not to notice the smell anymore, we must all smell like it ourselves. That’s right, folks. I propose that if we all smoked a pack of cigarettes a day there would be no more complaints, no more crinkled noses in disgust, and no more gasping for air in a smoker’s car.
If everyone took up smoking cigarettes, our economy would blossom. If more money is being put into the system for a pack of Camel or Winston, then cigarette companies will have more money to expand their businesses and hire more employees. Business managers in general would also be thankful for this change in culture, as they wouldn’t have to worry about offending people with “No Smoking” signs plastered everywhere in sight.
Firefighters also love this proposal. It gives them something to do! The more fires there are, the higher their wages go up. And naturally, when one’s house is filled with potential fire hazards, there will be a far greater chance that firefighters will be needed – thus creating even more jobs.
Used car sales would go up. Just this past year, my family was looking for a new [used] car. The van my dad picked out was perfect – the back-up screen, sun roof, automatic door – but there was just one stinky problem. From the moment you hopped in, the smell of cigarettes nearly knocked you off of the soft leather seats. The car salesman wiped the sweat off of his nervous brow and kept offering lower and lower prices for this car until my dad couldn’t pass the offer up. With extensive cleaning, mind you, the smell is nearly non-existent now. Take a moment to imagine that my dad – and the rest of my family – had been chain smokers. That car would have sold in a heartbeat! No negotiation required.
Smokers will feel at home, and children of smokers will feel much appreciation towards this proposal. No longer will they feel as social outcasts in their classrooms. No more will their cheeks flush when asked why they smell so bad. Everyone will smell like everyone, and everyone will grow to love the scent of tobacco. It’s proven that tobacco tends to relax people, right? Suicide rates will go down, and happiness rates will go up. And what if that relaxed feeling goes away after the cigarette is gone, you may ask? The answer to that is simple, too. Just pop another one of those suckers in.
With the economy in the financial crisis that it is now, there is no better solution to help get it moving again than making it required that every American citizen smoke at least a pack of cigarettes a day. Complaints would decrease, jobs would increase, and everyone will be happy.
