Stuck.

When you want someone in your life so badly, one will go to great measures to make them stay put.

But then you remember that they have their own list of priorities, too, though you aren't sure what they are.

And when priorities conflict is when we get scared.

And when we get scared is when we get angry.

And when we get angry, we make poor decisions without much thought.

And when we start to regret these decisions later - this is where we become confused.

And when we're confused is when we have no idea what we want.

(and even if we did know what we wanted, we'd be too scared to say it anyway)

...And that's where we get stuck.

What I Learned This Week...

You are your own worst critic.

It's not a bad thing. On the contrary, I find that being hard on yourself is a good thing, for the most part. It helps you learn. Being your own critic forces you to realize just how serious (or not serious at all) the problem is. It helps you figure out what you need to work on - what you can improve. Being hard on yourself makes you realize what's good for you, and what isn't. At least for me, the only way I am able to think clearly is when I see what I'm doing wrong.

The cliched phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" rings true in so many areas in my life.

And then, of course, there's an overboard to everything.. you could lock yourself up in a closet and hide from the world to avoid all possibilities of messing up. Except then there would be no room to grow?!

What I learned this week is that being your own worst critic isn't always negative. You can see yourself at your best potential, and I think the drive to reach your full potential is something that keeps people functioning. It's necessary. I also learned that looking back on what you couldashouldawoulda done is pointless. It's what you will next that counts.

Glad this week is almost over.. but I say that every week.. :)

Disappointment

Life is made up of disappointment, right? Wrong. At least in my bubble of a world, disappointment is hard to come by. And so when lightning strikes, the impact is that much worse. 

Whiiiiiiiiich is why these past few weeks have weighed down my heart just a few notches.

Let me explain how I am and how I see people. In Fig. 1, you can see the obvious problem. Some call it a curse, others may call it a blessing. I don't know what I call it. Whenever I meet someone, ("hi how are you? I'm kimber. I like naked mole rats.") I instantly take a liking to them. I assume they have my best interest at heart, choosing the right at all times possible, and do their best to make the world and community a better place. Think I'm exaggerating, don't you? Again, please refer to Fig. 1 below. 

Figure 1

I don't believe that there is a problem with this "way of seeing things" until I find out something or someone has violated the picture I have created for them in my head.

What I find odd is this: people are who you tell them they are. And I believe this to be 95% true (there's always those people who shock you). Most of the time I think people act differently around me than they do around others. Or maybe the "good" in them is the only part I look for, so it's the only part of that person I see. 

In other words, I expect out of people is what I see. My expectations of others is what lets me down in the end. And so in Kimberland, I am hardly ever disappointed because the only one who could ever disappoint me is myself. I'm setting myself up for disappointment!

And so then sooner or later I am told about a fault of a few of my perfect friends. ("No of course, it's not true. They would never do that.") But then they did and then it's true and then my heart drops down to the bottom of my stomach. Really though, it's not their fault. I can't waste away my days lecturing them and crying over them and playing sad songs on my ukulele in memory of who I thought they were, Because it was ME who disappointed ME.

And then you're like, what can you do from here.