Pontoum Crazy

My new favorite kind of poem. The repetition makes nearly anything beautiful and with deeper meaning. So fun to write. I love.

**Disclaimer. These poems aren't necessarily about me. Just people's stories I've heard, or books I've read, stuff like that. Don't worry yourself too much. :)

At Best

Inside your new black car
Our hands caught onto each other
Stilled breath and soft music
Best friends at best

Our hands caught onto each other
We laughed and cried and sang
Best friends at best
But I loved you more than that

We laughed and cried and sang
Breathing in the subtle smell of cigarettes
But I loved you more than that
Wondering what more could be

Breathing in the subtle smell of cigarettes
Inside your new black car
Wondering what more could be
Best friends at best.


Speak

Crimped hair and glue-on nails
A girl, not yet thirteen
holding onto her first red plastic cup
Taking only a few sips

A girl, not yet fifteen
Dancing freely, twirling freely
Taking only a few sips
"So this is what growing up feels like."

Dancing freely, twirling freely
He led her back behind the barn
"So this is what growing up feels like."
Stripping away her twelve year old innocence

He led her back behind the barn
Crimped hair and glue-on nails
Stripping away her fourteen year old innocence
Holding onto her first red plastic cup

Fluff.

Wouldn't it be lovely if everyone could speak exactly what they thought? No shame, no fluff, but instead simple straightforward statements and answers that nobody would interpret to mean something different than what it actually meant. Words would be parallel to thoughts.

I have a problem with overanalyzing what people say. They say they "had a good day" and suddenly they had a good day because they weren't with me, because they hate me, because they had a horrible day and don't want me to know, maybe they're laying in their death bed right at this moment, or maybe they had a GREAT day and don't want to freak me out too much, or their day was made better because I asked them about it. I wouldn't ever know because they're hidden by their masks of "good days" and "I'm fine"s.

This school year I made it a goal to say what I thought and to be completely honest. I think oftentimes people confuse being honest and blunt with being mean. If someone asks what I think, I will tell them, and I won't add fluff or sentences to be interpreted. How lovely would it be to hide nothing at all. How lovely would it be if when I asked someone how they felt, they would tell me the whole truth. Not part of it, nor only the parts I want to hear. Sincerity is hard to come by but when a person comes into my life with a genuinely honest and sincere personality I will fight to keep them close. It's those rare human beings that make this life worth analyzing.

What a lovely thought.

Sr Yr

How strange it is to have people you've seen come up to meet you.
I remember being a little sophomore looking up to the big bad seniors with large round adoring eyes. Even last year, I aspired to be just that one year older - one year cooler. They rode around on their high horses and talked of far away lands of college and the desire to finally cross the Sea of Growing Up. I wanted to be that senior, I wanted to be the person everybody knew. I wanted to taste a little bit of what the real world could be like.

Um, okay... no.

Senior year is awesome so far, but we're only a week in. Suddenly I am that "big bad senior" who most  people know by name because of my position as a Student Body Officer. It is so weird, and honestly a lot of pressure. I feel no where near "cool", and I want nothing to do with college and life. Just planning on having fun for now... and smiling a lot I guess.

So that's that. :)

What I Am

For those who know me well, they know I am an avid list maker. Lists calm me down, I don't really know how to describe it. OCD, probably. I make lists about everything. Dislikes, likes, sights I'd like to see from heaven, songs that are stuck in my head, what is bothering me, what I am grateful for... etc. My mind is such a jumbled mess half of the time that writing lists is the only way for me to see my thoughts into words. It's hard for me to think clearly without going off of a bulleted list, or points.

So, anyway, yeah. I write lists. I have a whole list book, actually.

Just yesterday in class I was writing a list about myself. This is unusual, actually. I typically write lists about the things surrounding me. But this past week or so I've been going through an "identity crisis", if you will (when am I not? haha). I've been wondering about the future, and I've been wondering if I really fit in at all. Everyone goes through this, I think. It's hard knowing your worth in such a big world sometimes.

I started listing bulleted points of what I thought I was. I listed characteristics, adjectives, titles, stereotypes. I titled it "What I Am".

Rereading the list, I realized that none of it was what I am, but rather what I aspire and have the potential to be. My view of myself is skewed. How I portray myself may come off as different as to how I feel and though I may not consciously realize it - I feel trapped and extremely self conscious at times. This may be reason for my recent anxiety.

The other day I saw in plain sight the masks that some people wear, and it scares me to think that I potentially have fallen into that.

When "what I am" matches up to "what I think I am", I'll finally be able to stop worrying so much. Too often I am concerned about what others think of me, but today I realized that it doesn't matter. So today is the day I am changing.
I will be organized, I will be thoughtful, I will be patient, I will be honest, I will be happy.
I am organized, I am thoughtful, I am patient, I am honest, I am happy.

What I am is what I have the potential to become, and what I am can be determined by what I make of my future.

Caught

A child picks a wispy ripe dandelion. With eyes closed tightly, the child whispers a wish and blows with all her might, and watches her innocent desires fly in the wind and blow away.

A girl walks into a room. She is met with a sea of faces. Some with pleasant crinkly eyes and warm smiles. Others with stone-set expressions and cold eyes. She glides quickly and softly through the room; searching. Searching for what she does not know, and she does not find it. She, in fact, is searching for something to search for.

An old woman hobbles across the street. She carries a cane, but does not use it. Her eyeglasses slide to the bridge of her nose, the bag of books on her shoulder slips and her knees buckle. The wishes, the searching, the dreams of the past catch her now, and serve as her support.

It's a feeling of confusion, a feeling of sorrow, a feeling of gladness.

It's little experiences each day that add to who we are, that create who we are.

A kind thought was never a coincidence. A kind action was never anything short from a miracle.

what a year - look back on 2012

okay, so this is a little bit overdue.
i'm thinking back to january of last year.. and holy cow. So much has changed, and even better - so much has stayed consistent.
throughout my 16 years of life, one of my greatest struggles it to keep things in my life consistent and under control. Whether it be in friendships, feelings, or situations. I have handled this sense of control in many ways - both unhealthily and healthily. This past year I have found out more of who I am, and more importantly, who I have the potential to be.

highlights of 2012

I turned sixteen on March 22nd. My wonderful friend (Kelsi) threw a surprise birthday party for me. Let me tell you, it was a SURPRISE. She kidnapped me and took me downtown to the planetarium and to dinner with a few close friends. Afterwords, we went back to her house to "watch a movie". Somehow I didn't even suspect anything when I saw a cake in her kitchen with my name on it? I literally screamed and collapsed when I saw all of the people cooped up in her basement.

I went on my first date last year! It was the best first date I could have asked for... really. The day after my sixteenth birthday happened to be prom, and I was lucky enough to go with James - he's not only asian, but a CUTE asian and one of my best friends! We went go karting and dressed up pretty for a japanese dinner. Looking back on that day just makes me smile.

This summer I had the opprotunity to go to EFY - Especially For Youth - in Salt Lake City with my best friend. We met so many people there, and we are still in touch with all of them. I love the people and leaders I met there, and will truly remember EFY as one of the best weeks of my life.

Also in the summer, I was able to work at Plato's Closet about 30 hours a week. I learned time management and how to deal with difficult situations. I worked away my summer, but it definitely pulled off and I put a big chunk of my money into my "SAVE FOR ECUADOR" fund.

Speaking of Ecuador... this year I made the decision to do a humanitarian trip to Ecuador! We will be building orphanages and caring for the disabled kids there. That will be Summer 2013, this summer, and I am still working to save for it. I truly cannot wait.

Facepainting has become a pretty big part of my life this past year! My neighbor happpens to be a professional face painter, and she has taught me techniques and tricks that have really enhanced my ability to paint quickly and with better control of the brush. I painted this year for school events, at Gardner Village, church events, and community fairs. It's a fun way to earn some extra money, and I absolutely love the opprotunity to expand my creativity.

This past year I became DECA secretary! The other DECA officers and I work so well together and we were able to pull off the Riverton Invitational Premiere - a DECA competition throughout the region that was held at Riverton High School. It's been so fun to be a part of the biggest club in the school! It really tunes into the business side of me and I love it.

I recieved a new calling in my church! I got called to be a part of Special Needs Mutual. It's a program where a few teens from each stake are partnered with a member who has special needs - and together we learn about the gospel and it's teachings. My special needs Friend, as we call them, is named Tiffany. She has changed my life. You go into the program thinking that you will benefit their life and they will learn so much from you... when it is really the other wasy around. Tiffany is beautiful and has taught be more about love, kindness, patience than any other person I know. She teaches by example. She teaches me by the way she lives. She lives 100% for other people, and is always concerned about my well being. I am so blessed to have met her this passed year, and I am so blssed to be a part of that program.

Of course, every year there are plenty of new people to meet. This year I have made so many new friends and I am thankful for all of them! I actually recieved the 'Social Award' for first quarter, and it is so fun to meet and learn people's stories.

I joined Peer Leadership Team! Oh my goodness this has been one of the things I am so grateful for this year. Through PLT, I am so involved in the school and the community. I volunteer at Kauri Sue Hamilton - a school for kids with mental and physical disabilities - once a week, and I have found a new adoration for these kids and causes to help them. PLT also got me really involved in Silver Rush, which I will forever look back on with fond memories.

Silver Rush 2012 was one I will never forget. I took nearly the whole month of December off, and spent it knocking on doors in the freezing cold doing "odd jobs" for donations. The charity our student body officers chose this year was the Haley Bell Blessed Chair Foundation. This charity provided wheel chairs for families in the area who were unable to afford them. This really touched home with me because of members in my family who are in wheelchairs. To provide something that would benefit the rest of their life is something that our whole school worked to achieve. At the end of the three weeks, we raised over $125,000 for this charity. When the "Banner of Love" rose with the number, the whole student body collapsed and cried. The air was thick with love and exhaustion and it was one of the best feelings ever. I wish I could relive that moment again!

Wow, you never truly know how blessed you are until you take a thorough look at your life! There is so much more I could have put into this list of highlights... but I know y'all don't care that much about my life. I'm never sure who reads this and who doesn't, but whoever you are - you are pretty great!

Here's to a great 2013, eh?