Some Thoughts on Self Love

Do you love yourself? Do you honestly, really, truly, wholeheartedly love yourself?

I was asked this question along with about eighty others in a church meeting in Queens, New York City about a year ago. I don't know if it had to do with me translating this talk from Chinese to English for the tourist sitting next to me, but the question: "Do you really love yourself?" has stuck with me since that time.

Do you love yourself? Do you love yourself enough to do the things that are best for yourself - even if it may cause temporary pain, sacrifice, and confusion? Do you love yourself enough to keep the commandments of God at all costs? Do you love yourself enough to get enough sleep, to eat healthily, and laugh readily? Do you love yourself enough to never put others down? Do you love yourself enough to never put yourself down?

Learning to love yourself is a process - an uncomfortable one.

I've found you must take a step back (or sometimes three or four steps back) and honestly assess your life. Where are you right now? Where do you want to be? What is it going to take to get there? Am I willing to sacrifice for it?

I believe some of the times I have felt most loved by God are when I have been chastised by Him. He shows me my shortcomings and my weaknesses in full color, but also provides me a way to overcome and improve. At those times I know with 100% surety that God loves me.

The same thing has applied throughout my life with my close friends and family. When a friend or family member corrects me, it shows me that they truly care about me and my decisions. This same principle can be applied to ourselves. Do I love myself enough to push myself? Do I love myself enough to be vulnerable, to be scared and uncertain, and to make decisions based on not what I want but what I need? Do I love myself enough to laugh at my own jokes, put others first, and express love for others freely?

Loving yourself results in loving others, too. It's a natural consequence of pure love - you can't help but love the person in front of you as much as you love yourself.

I don't believe this process comes from standing in front of a mirror and saying, "I am beautiful I am smart I am important" x amount of times for x amount of days. I believe self love is beyond self image and self esteem. I believe self love is not so much learning to accept your body type or personality quirks as it is more about learning to accept your true identity as a daughter of an Almighty Being and what that actually means. 

As uncomfortable as it is - as uncomfortable as it has been - I am so grateful for my ups and downs when it has come to my self-image and self-worth and self-assessment. I believe that we are all given crosses to bear, and "loving myself" seems to be a cross I've had to learn to hold up high. But as we reach beyond ourselves and beyond our problems and insecurities and frustrations and setbacks and beyond me me me me... we find ourselves. I found myself in New York. I found myself in Him who created me. And as I grow to love myself, I love Him more completely.

A little bit overdue... (or a lot bit)

MY MISSION CALL CAME (a few months ago... February 24th). Turns out it got lost in the mail! I ended up calling the mission office to have them reprint it, and my Stake Mission Prep leader was able to pick it up for me so I could get it the same day! The hour and a half drive to my home was crazy. I felt every emotion - one minute I was crying, the other I was laughing, and then periodically I felt like I was going to throw up.

The actual opening of my call was such a surreal experience. Serving a mission has been something that I have wanted to do from the time I was a little girl, and it was as if all my hopes, wishes, and dreams were sealed in that big white envelope addressed to  "Sister Young" (!!!!) I was surprised at how calm I felt overall. But I have honestly never felt so vulnerable in my life. Where I was going to be living and serving for the next year and a half was written on that letter and I was prepared and willing to go where I was needed.

I opened it up and..... you can see for yourself :)

What a special, special experience! My heart is full, and I am so excited to go and do.

Waiting

I'm waiting for my mission call.

Waiting is the key word here. I was expecting it to come by Friday, and unfortunately, it didn't. Having wanted to serve an LDS Mission nearly my entire life, I anticipated this wait of my mission call to feel differently. I expected a rush of excitement, eagerness, nervousness, pacing, wondering, nail-biting and the likes. And truthfully, it has been different from what I thought it would be. It has been different in comparison to how my friends have acted while waiting for their mission calls. I feel fine. When it comes it comes -- where I go I'll go.

Though I feel this way now, when I left my stake president's office for the final interview a few weeks ago I was left in a state of confusion and self-doubt. I called my parents with tears and worries.

Am I ready to serve the Lord? Am I able? Am I worthy to be a witness of God and to testify to anyone who will listen that Jesus is the Christ?

The answer is no. Will I ever be ready? Able? Worthy? No. At least not alone. Thankfully for me, and for everyone else in the world, there are two names on the missionary name tag.

Like I mentioned before, I had expected my call to come yesterday. I drove down from college and had invited friends and family over for the big reveal. My empty mailbox seemed to mock me as I checked it periodically throughout the day. After feeling sorry for myself for a little bit, I took a trip to the temple. I often forget how lucky I am to live in a place where there are six temples within thirty minutes away from me.

Oh, what a wonderful place the temple is! And honestly, it was exactly where I needed to be right then. I opened up the Book of Mormon in the waiting room and was moved by how absolutely beautiful and true the Gospel is. I was reminded of why I am going to serve a mission - to bring others to know of this great truth! To get doors slammed in my face, to be ignored, and to see the light in people's eyes when the finally understand what has been missing from their lives.

I know that this Church is true. I know that Jesus is the Christ and was sent to earth to atone for the sins of the world so that we might be able to live with Him and God the Father again. I know the Book of Mormon to be a just and true book. I know that Christ visited the Americas and that this is important because we know He loves and cares for all of His children. I know the Lord takes care of His sheep. I know that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon, and that our church is led today by modern revelation from a true prophet and his apostles. I know that we have the fullness of the True Gospel and are the only true church on this earth! Oh, what a blessing it is to have that knowledge. What a blessing it is that we have a Father in Heaven who loves us eternally.Who loves you eternally. Who loves me eternally.

Am I readyableworthy to serve the Lord? No, of course not. But I know that He will mercifully forgive my shortcomings. And through Him my weaknesses will be made strong. And that this will be worth the wait.